miscellaneous thoughts about my insecurities with publishing things
A few months ago, I posted about how I missed blogging. I wrote it as if blogging was dead, as if I wasn't writing those words on MY OWN BLOG... It wasn't until I got some feedback (thank you, Betsy! 😜) along the lines of, "so... why not keep blogging!?" that I realized there's nothing stopping me from posting things in just the way I once loved to do.... Nothing stopping me, except for me. But ME is a pretty difficult force to overcome. I’m so nervous about saying something the wrong way, or someone reading it the wrong way, or regretting something I say… 😱 To the point where I freeze up at the keyboard when I’m writing something specifically meant for a blog or for social media. It all feels a lot scarier and more complicated these days…
🖋 📝 I'm (slowly) working on an essay about social media and how it has evolved (for me) over the past fifteen or so years. And it has been interesting to remember how it felt to be online back then. As an example, I used to actually love being on Facebook... back in 2007. My first Facebook update was on Sept 21, 2007:
"Yuvi is… terrified of many things"
This was back when your post was a status update where you had to fill in the blank, "Yuvi is ______", but, you know, with your own name in there instead of "Yuvi". Do any of y'all remember those days? It felt so goofy and innocent and fun. Blogging also had that delight for me, plus a blog post let me go deeper into my messy stream of consciousness.
🕺💃 One part of me is definitely an exhibitionist and wants to expose myself (and all of my flaws) to the world. I want to connect with you and I’m willing to show a lot of my weirdnesses to get there. Whether it’s revealing something small (like how I always sit down when I pee), or something huge (INSERT BIG SHAMEFUL THING HERE), I’m giddy with excitement to tell the world who I am. But another part of me is terrified of judgment, of failure, of doing something I may regret. These two sides are always pushing against each other. But as things get more toxic online (and maybe as I get older), the fear part starts to win over.
I just don't know if I can recapture that original joy of blogging and social media.
I don’t mean to sound too dark about this. I still find it fascinating to watch some of the cool cleverness that happens online. My kid shows me all kinds of fabulousness on TikTok. Maybe I’m just less inclined to inject myself into it. And I’m preoccupied with other projects…
📙 📚 The book publishing process is moving along. I really have enjoyed working with Red Hen Press on this book. I was initially afraid that my publisher would push me to do things I wouldn't want to do (like to suddenly become an expert at Facebook baking anecdotes and Instagram garden photos and TikTok dancing), but that isn't the case. So far, they seem to want me to be me. As I mentioned before, being me isn’t always awesome, but it’s way easier than trying to be someone else. 🕵
My book — I Only Cry with Emoticons : ’ ( — is still due to launch on June 7th (🥳🎉), even though there are some supply chain issues that might affect things a little bit.
🐓🐓 However it goes, I’m really pleased with how well Red Hen Press is handling everything, and they are making this one insecure author about 21.35% less insecure.
🥗🚴♀️🏋️♀️ I'm trying really hard to keep a healthy mindset about this whole experience. To take in the joy of it, the loveliness of connecting with wonderful people, and not to get lost in those messy expectations and dreams (like about selling lots of books) that will only leave me disappointed and just feeling yucky.
…
Wait! I don’t want to end a blog post with the word yucky. I want you to walk away with a semi-uplifting feeling. I know how that last phrase in a post can echo in your mind. Let me try another line from that last paragraph:
…to take in the joy.
No, that’s a little too happy for me. Let me try again:
…connecting with wonderful people.
That’s better. But now I’ve added these extra words of dumb analysis afterwards, which is not what I want either…
Oops.
